Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
You Might Also Like
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
⛄️
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.