Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
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Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*