On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
You Might Also Like
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.