[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Yep.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.