gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
How software testing works
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
ok this is my dumbest yet
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it