If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You Might Also Like
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.