Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
✌🏽
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Best mom ever 😂
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.