Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall