Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
all bases covered
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.