Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
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Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I thought this was funny lol
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous