him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now