Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
How animals would run if they were human
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans