All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
It was worth a shot 😂
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.