If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax