No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Science memes
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.