They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*