If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Pigeon open mic night.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.