I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
You Might Also Like
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.