*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
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I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Seems a bit forward
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Netflix and awkward silence?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket