Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
c’mon!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car