LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*