God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I hate when that happens.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.