Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
You Might Also Like
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”