Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Love this one 😂🧟
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*