I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.