And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Woke up against my better judgement again
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.