ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.