My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
This squirrel eats better than I do
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Kermit goes Blue.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]