Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.