Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
It’s a gift
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼