[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.