Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”