911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
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COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX