April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.