When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.