Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Anyone want a chair?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Yes, this is exactly right
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her