If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
You Might Also Like
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Nice try, NASA
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?