Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
こいつ天才
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”