I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.