Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
You Might Also Like
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Holy crap this is wonderful
Tastes like chicken.