[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
You Might Also Like
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
me before I type out affect or effect
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.