Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
This why you should mind your business
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*