Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
You Might Also Like
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁