I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
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me hitting on a model
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
This is true.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.