“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Not today
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”