Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
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this will hang in the louvre one day
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.