“what that mouth do?” complain
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.