As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
birds and squirrels envy us
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Breaking news:
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count