A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Erm…
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.