“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
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ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Holy moly
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??